Oh, dear one, you are a real and true writer. There is no doubt. Also, you will never in the end say, ‘I just wish I had spent less time with my children when they were young.’ Trust me.
You are NOT alone and your feelings are NOT only applicable to writers - they apply to any/everyone who has to juggle multiple responsibilities whether it's kids, spouses/significant others, friends, family, elder care, child care (not your kids but extended family), work, etc. The feelings of being crushed under the weight and pressure of expectations, with the added layers of guilt and shame are normal. Taking an afternoon, a day, or a week off for your own mental health is no longer optional - it is mandatory to stay sane.
I love how elegantly you expressed all of those conflicting emotions!!! In particular, I completely understand how you feel when working from home. Even if I know it's not something that is a priority or something that I can even finish in one day, all of the "to-do's" just keep lurking at the edge of my consciousness whenever I work from home.
Feb 22, 2023·edited Feb 22, 2023Liked by Luisa Weiss
Re. "If I was a real writer, I wonder again and again, the kind who felt entitled to as much time as she needed, the kind who was ruthless and devoted to her work in a way that I can’t bring myself to be, then wouldn’t these silly limitations that I say are insurmountable be surmountable?"
You ARE a real writer, Luisa. You don't have to be ruthlessly devoted to your work in order to be a real writer. Just like, as a lawyer once upon a time, I didn't have to devote all my time, attention, energy to my law practice, in order to be a "real lawyer." But it was hard, just as it is for you, to believe it sometimes, in the face of colleagues who *were* ruthlessly devoted and who looked at me funny when I left the office at 5 pm. Imposter syndrome, perhaps stemming initially from internal insecurity, but also exacerbated by societal norms that extol and reward total dedication to ones work in order to be considered a "real" whatever-one-does, rather than simply someone with a job.
Thank you for making yourself vulnerable. I am expecting twin boys in May and already being in “Beachadtiguns Verbot” I am noticing the effects it will have on my professional career.
Your words are encouraging and they have normalized some of the thoughts that come when making this choice. You are a writer and also a mother. The two can be true. And as your reader and someone who is inspired by your parenting, I know that both are.
Oh Louisa.... but you are a real writer! And you wouldn't be the same writer, the same person, if you didn't have the juggle and struggle of everyday family life (which, by the way - believe me - will pass in a blink). But in the meantime it's hard to see that this is something you will look back to with nostalgia. And you will have lots of peace and quiet, I promise.
Oh, this hits so close to home. I am a few years behind you, with a 19 month old, and struggling to balance the all-consuming pull of motherhood with my own creative ambitions and the support my spouse needs as he works to financially provide for the household. Thank you for putting these words into the world. I have been reading your work for years and years and own your books and I only wish the days could be longer so that you would have the hours you need to find that alone time you crave.
I have to say as someone who doesn't have kids or all the responsibilities that you have, it doesn't feel any easier to devote my time to writing. Don't feel bad about the sacrifices you're making for your family right now, think of the time you do have for writing as being very tight and focused. The other side of the coin is having oodles of time to think and putting more pressure on yourself to produce something. Either way, this life is hard. Hang in there :)
I suspect you didn't write and share this with the hopes of being reminded that you ARE a writer (though folks' comments to this effect are meant to be lovely and supportive). Of course you are, as you know, and a gorgeous one at that. But what I want to shout out more loudly is YES, I think about this a lot too, the question of what it would look like to have a life in which the work of caring is mostly tended to, allowing me to lean more fully into the creative / writerly / life-of-the-mind parts of my existence. I wonder about this even as I wonder whether I would want to be less engaged with my children / relationships / care work. But I have a deep sense that the division of labor still is not ideal, that life and labour could still be more robustly ... balanced out? And I speak as a person with an engaged co-parent AND a full-time job as a professor.
But ultimately, I look at the gendered dynamics even among my colleagues and FEEL what you're saying here all the way down. Thank you for articulating it. Solidarity.
Love your perspective, beautifully written and explained. I also think about the way that we deserve to have the time to pursue our careers, passions, interests, aside from our kids and families and I wonder if care work was more valued would we look at things the same way. I wonder what it would be like if choosing to spend your time supporting your family more and writing (or whatever) less was seen as a valuable choice rather than something you do til the kids are older. I wish everyone had the resources and support to do what works best or is most ideal for them and I think it's great to share thoughts and have these conversations.
How about making some plans for a writing retreat? It's difficult to break away from responsibilities but you're fortunate to have a strong family who would probably be eager to help. Children benefit from spending time with loving and kind grandparents, and vice versa.
You are amazing!! How you manage to put real life into such beautiful writing is a gift!
Oh, dear one, you are a real and true writer. There is no doubt. Also, you will never in the end say, ‘I just wish I had spent less time with my children when they were young.’ Trust me.
You are NOT alone and your feelings are NOT only applicable to writers - they apply to any/everyone who has to juggle multiple responsibilities whether it's kids, spouses/significant others, friends, family, elder care, child care (not your kids but extended family), work, etc. The feelings of being crushed under the weight and pressure of expectations, with the added layers of guilt and shame are normal. Taking an afternoon, a day, or a week off for your own mental health is no longer optional - it is mandatory to stay sane.
I love how elegantly you expressed all of those conflicting emotions!!! In particular, I completely understand how you feel when working from home. Even if I know it's not something that is a priority or something that I can even finish in one day, all of the "to-do's" just keep lurking at the edge of my consciousness whenever I work from home.
Re. "If I was a real writer, I wonder again and again, the kind who felt entitled to as much time as she needed, the kind who was ruthless and devoted to her work in a way that I can’t bring myself to be, then wouldn’t these silly limitations that I say are insurmountable be surmountable?"
You ARE a real writer, Luisa. You don't have to be ruthlessly devoted to your work in order to be a real writer. Just like, as a lawyer once upon a time, I didn't have to devote all my time, attention, energy to my law practice, in order to be a "real lawyer." But it was hard, just as it is for you, to believe it sometimes, in the face of colleagues who *were* ruthlessly devoted and who looked at me funny when I left the office at 5 pm. Imposter syndrome, perhaps stemming initially from internal insecurity, but also exacerbated by societal norms that extol and reward total dedication to ones work in order to be considered a "real" whatever-one-does, rather than simply someone with a job.
I guess your piece struck a chord, eh? Thank you!
Thank you for making yourself vulnerable. I am expecting twin boys in May and already being in “Beachadtiguns Verbot” I am noticing the effects it will have on my professional career.
Your words are encouraging and they have normalized some of the thoughts that come when making this choice. You are a writer and also a mother. The two can be true. And as your reader and someone who is inspired by your parenting, I know that both are.
Oh Louisa.... but you are a real writer! And you wouldn't be the same writer, the same person, if you didn't have the juggle and struggle of everyday family life (which, by the way - believe me - will pass in a blink). But in the meantime it's hard to see that this is something you will look back to with nostalgia. And you will have lots of peace and quiet, I promise.
I'd hug you if I could.
Oh, this hits so close to home. I am a few years behind you, with a 19 month old, and struggling to balance the all-consuming pull of motherhood with my own creative ambitions and the support my spouse needs as he works to financially provide for the household. Thank you for putting these words into the world. I have been reading your work for years and years and own your books and I only wish the days could be longer so that you would have the hours you need to find that alone time you crave.
Oh Luisa, I feel this passage about the clutter so hard. Its like I can't think and everything is obscured when the house is in disarray!
I have to say as someone who doesn't have kids or all the responsibilities that you have, it doesn't feel any easier to devote my time to writing. Don't feel bad about the sacrifices you're making for your family right now, think of the time you do have for writing as being very tight and focused. The other side of the coin is having oodles of time to think and putting more pressure on yourself to produce something. Either way, this life is hard. Hang in there :)
I suspect you didn't write and share this with the hopes of being reminded that you ARE a writer (though folks' comments to this effect are meant to be lovely and supportive). Of course you are, as you know, and a gorgeous one at that. But what I want to shout out more loudly is YES, I think about this a lot too, the question of what it would look like to have a life in which the work of caring is mostly tended to, allowing me to lean more fully into the creative / writerly / life-of-the-mind parts of my existence. I wonder about this even as I wonder whether I would want to be less engaged with my children / relationships / care work. But I have a deep sense that the division of labor still is not ideal, that life and labour could still be more robustly ... balanced out? And I speak as a person with an engaged co-parent AND a full-time job as a professor.
But ultimately, I look at the gendered dynamics even among my colleagues and FEEL what you're saying here all the way down. Thank you for articulating it. Solidarity.
so deeply relatable. with you. x
Well of course it isn’t true. Loved this.
Love your perspective, beautifully written and explained. I also think about the way that we deserve to have the time to pursue our careers, passions, interests, aside from our kids and families and I wonder if care work was more valued would we look at things the same way. I wonder what it would be like if choosing to spend your time supporting your family more and writing (or whatever) less was seen as a valuable choice rather than something you do til the kids are older. I wish everyone had the resources and support to do what works best or is most ideal for them and I think it's great to share thoughts and have these conversations.
Oof. *nodding head in solidarity*
How about making some plans for a writing retreat? It's difficult to break away from responsibilities but you're fortunate to have a strong family who would probably be eager to help. Children benefit from spending time with loving and kind grandparents, and vice versa.