A Room of One's Own
Good morning, friends. I have just returned from taking Bruno to his Saturday morning soccer training. This is usually my husband’s job, but Max has been away on vacation all week and isn’t returning until tonight. As soon as we got home, the boys suited up and went back out again to play soccer at the playground. So I am home alone just for a few delicious moments before lunch, before an afternoon at home with the kids, before Max returns, before we are four again.
This summer will mark 14 years of marriage for us. Those of you who have read My Berlin Kitchen know that the story is a little longer and more convoluted than that, but I usually think about this stretch of our relationship as the “real” one. And this is the first year that we both took proper vacations without the other person. Max took the boys skiing in February while I was in Trieste, but being alone with them meant skiing lower-key slopes, staying close to the hotel or ski group, even taking a day off here and there when they each got sick—it wasn’t the kind of ski trip Max really craves. So he went back to Austria this week to ski seriously and also hike up a mountain in trekking skis. (Insert incredulous face emoji.)
Is there anything nicer than seeing your person absolutely in his element? For him, mountains are life-giving; snow makes him happy. Max sent videos and photos of his solo adventure crunching through snow, watching hawks soar above him, the majesty of the Alps all around, and it was lovely to see him so content. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I absolutely thrilled at all the alone time too. It took me until at least halfway through the week to miss him. There was also the odd phenomenon which every family I know experiences as well—when there’s just one parent around, the kids are so much more cooperative and easygoing. Why?! Of course, it helps that our kids are 12 and 8 now. Being left alone with them is a treat rather than a burden you wish to be compensated for. :)
Why was it so nice being alone? Why was it so much easier to concentrate on work? Is it because I am an introvert and family life often stresses me out? (Max is the same; we are a little too alike sometimes.) Is it because feeling responsible for children and then also feeling responsible for a second adult is just too much at times? I think it’s a combination of factors. As my friends and beloved husband (who reads this newsletter, don’t worry) know, I am skeptical at best about cohabitation. I don’t believe it serves women particularly well and I say that as someone who is happily married to a good guy who largely agrees with her and does his best to be equitable.
Here’s what I know: Almost all the married women I know secretly wish they had more time on their own. Either a bedroom of their own, or an apartment they could escape to a few nights a week. It’s not that people want divorce—they love their husbands. It’s not about infidelity either. It’s that the way most of us live our lives in our nuclear families now doesn’t leave a lot of room for us to feel completely ourselves. Or maybe it’s that it doesn’t allow us to connect with our true selves often enough. We’re too busy dealing with other people. (Virginia Woolf is more eloquent on this, obvs.)
I suppose that’s what I liked most about this week. I got to focus my child-free hours completely on my work. I got to decide what to watch at night1. I got to decide if and when I cooked. I got to just be alone, with my own thoughts, uninterrupted, for many more hours than I usually am. It was lovely and it made me feel so lucky: I enjoy my own company. I’m also lucky because I am happy that he’s coming home again. But if this week has taught me anything, it’s that I would like to try to build in more solo time for each of us throughout the year. Whether it’s a trip on our own, or time taken away from the family to recharge without guilt, I think it makes us happier and stronger. It allows us to connect with the kids on our own. It allows us to be alone with our own minds.
What do you think? Do you take vacations without your spouse? Do you enjoy it when they’re gone? Do you think being introverted or extroverted has something to do with it? Am I the only woman who has been fantasizing my whole life about having a beautifully furnished, candlelit Sara Crewe garret on the top floor of my building that we could each take turns escaping to every once in a while, no harm, no foul?!??!
Three episodes of Mo and three episodes of I Love Dick. Kathryn Hahn Forever.
I am so on board with all of this. My husband finds it so much easier to relax and do nothing at home, whereas I really need to be in another space, away from all the potential chores, to feel fully relaxed. Social conditioning, I think, plus some personality differences. A few years ago I started taking solo weekends away which is heavenly. Our budget hasn't allowed for that for the past year and I do really miss it. I'm trying to build more alone time into my schedule though, even if it's just an afternoon, evening, or day doing something (or not much!) by myself outside our home, which my husband and 12-year-old are completely fine with (well the 12-year-old still misses me which I actually don't mind). Glad you had such a nice week. Here's to guilt-free solo time!
Yes! I love being alone and so does my fella. On the other hand, as we have entered our senior years, we’re both quite clear that those times not be too long. In the past, we’ve been apart for times up to three or four months for work. Neither of us like that anymore. I also have decades long friendships that sometimes need to be enriched with vacations away. He not so much. All of this is, naturally, a significant privilege. When money is tight then I won’t spend my vacation money with anyone but him.