I am so on board with all of this. My husband finds it so much easier to relax and do nothing at home, whereas I really need to be in another space, away from all the potential chores, to feel fully relaxed. Social conditioning, I think, plus some personality differences. A few years ago I started taking solo weekends away which is heavenly. Our budget hasn't allowed for that for the past year and I do really miss it. I'm trying to build more alone time into my schedule though, even if it's just an afternoon, evening, or day doing something (or not much!) by myself outside our home, which my husband and 12-year-old are completely fine with (well the 12-year-old still misses me which I actually don't mind). Glad you had such a nice week. Here's to guilt-free solo time!
Yes! I love being alone and so does my fella. On the other hand, as we have entered our senior years, we’re both quite clear that those times not be too long. In the past, we’ve been apart for times up to three or four months for work. Neither of us like that anymore. I also have decades long friendships that sometimes need to be enriched with vacations away. He not so much. All of this is, naturally, a significant privilege. When money is tight then I won’t spend my vacation money with anyone but him.
Nicely stated, Louisa. A healthy perspective on marriage/cohabitation. After marrying in my late 30s, I found the transition difficult. I was able to take a few vacations solo, but my husband never quite accepted that I needed the time alone although I know he benefited as well. He loved staying at home because he traveled constantly for work. He enjoyed having the house to himself, and when I returned he'd often have started some new artistic project.
A few years ago, a friend inherited a small space in New England that had once been an ice cream shop. She turned it into her studio where she paints, does her fiber art, plays an old out-of-tune piano, and does whatever suits her--a lifetime dream. Not all of us have such luxury, but a room, a favorite hiking path, or retreat space help us cope with life's stresses and provide us with new perspectives.
Wishing you and your family many happy years ahead.
Hi Luisa. Grüß Gott. I'm an hombre, and do sympathize. Pauses and breaks can refresh, for sure, yet each relation has its unique rhythm. My case, I treasure our adventures together, even though some are nerve-wracking, exhausting. It is good to be out of the house, away, productive, most of the day five days a week. Out early, back late, weekends together has been the best balance.
We've had a couple of rounds of covid go through our house (never to the point where it feels dangerous, thank goodness!), and when I or my husband have gotten it, we've managed to quarantine away from everyone else, and I secretly have loved having days of solo time in my house, making my own choices about meals and snacks and sleeping times and whether the windows were open (always, if I had my way, even though we live in New England) and just thinking my own uninterrupted thoughts. Like you, I love my husband and can't imagine having a better partner, but those times have been delicious.
As introverts, we do have scheduled weekly alone time. We decided years ago that Wednesday and Saturday evenings (as long as nothing else comes up in our social calendar), we go to our corners and do our own thing, whether it's watching guilty pleasures or playing music or going out with friends. We're fairly involved in our communities, so the other five nights involve committee meetings and time with other families in addition to hanging out just the two of us. But knowing that we have a midweek night and a weekend night to recharge is priceless.
We haven't done much solo getaway time, but now that the kids are 9 and 12, it's definitely something we've been moving towards exploring.
my husband and i have our own bedrooms. it's heavenly for both of us. just the right amount of physical, mental and emotional space that we both crave and need in order to come together and really connect, support and love. i highly recommend it.
Yes, yes, yes, and stated so well! I’m not an introvert but I feel the same way, as does my spouse. I don’t “count” work time, even though I’ve been a remote worker for 20+ years and am usually alone at home during my work hours. For me, the issue is having enough time alone plus the freedom to choose how I use it.
This is so interesting to think about and to read how different people’s experiences, and personalities, are. I spend a lot of time alone. My husband and I have been together for 33 years and married 27. We have one child, who graduated from college last May and lives at home, but is here only on the weekends because she is currently doing “off site” work during the week and staying in a hotel. When she is back in the office regularly, she will move out. My husband travels a lot for work, and always has. I’m not sure if we’ve yet been physically together in the same place more than we’ve been apart. We have moved a lot, but lived in NYC for 8 years, in a one bedroom apartment. Our daughter had the bedroom bc kid stuff. That was quite challenging. We are all introverts. But it was temporary and now we live in a house with arguably more space than we need, but we all appreciate it and value it so very much. Because he travels so much for work, real vacations with just my husband and me are still very few and far between. I’ve traveled a lot by myself, but almost exclusively for family obligations. I think I am finally on the cusp of this changing.
Luisa, it feels like you have read my mind entirely and expressed it so eloquently. During Covid my husband and I took separate weeks alone in cabins up North (MN) for the first time and it was so refreshing and essential for both of us. I love the feelings of being away (or alone) and of looking forward to being together again (after a few days ☺️). It also helps me better appreciate some of the things I love about my self and about my partner when we’re apart, things that get a little blurry or forgotten in the day-to-day. Thank you for sharing this with us. 💗
I started vacationing alone when my kids were in high school and haven't stopped. I spent a long weekend solo in Dublin recently and will be spending five days solo in Berlin at the end of the month. It satisifies my travel itch and my craving for alone time. I never stay gone more than a week, though, because I am a homebody at heart.
My husband is newly retired. He bought a state park pass and has taken the dog with him to go on solo camping and kayaking trips a few times. I love being at home alone almost as much as I love being alone while traveling.
These responses are so interesting. I don’t actually want more time alone — probably because I’m an extrovert, and I work from home, so it often can be too much — but I would like to be able to make more choices about my time that don’t involve pleasing everyone else. Louisa’s trip to Trieste sounds like a dream to me. I’d love to take a holiday where I could wake up at my leisure, eat what I when and where I want, etc.
I feel this so much. I am constantly craving alone time and end up taking it at the end of the day which is not an ideal time for me, but I take what I can get at the moment.
me too, I end up staying up too late because I crave the silence and alone time. I wish I was the kind who could get up hours early to do this but i’ve never been a morning person like that.
Yup, I think a lot of mothers of young kids are catching up on solo time late at night. I always hoped to do so early in the morning, because I'm an early riser, but then I birthed a child who has awoken before me every day of his life.
Luisa, this is perfection! I have been feeling this more and more. My fantasy is a small, cozy, minimally furnished apartment in a luxury high rise. Cushy couch, big windows and muted colors. I go there to read and think. Without guilt. Even though previously I've felt guilty even about the fantasy, but I'm going to try to stop that now.
I have always been an introvert and homebody. When I was newly married and then with very young children, I was kind of surprised that I got by with so little alone time. But as the kids have gotten older and some of those early days stressors are gone, I find I do crave solitude (and SILENCE, my god, I love silence) much more than I did.
We took a big family vacation this summer for the first time since the kids were born (5-year-old twins). Truly some of my favorite memories are the times my husband and I gave each other a break from family time! I went to a show and a museum solo (separate days). He did a whiskey tasting and a different show by himself (also on separate days). It allowed us to embrace the family time even more, I think!
I am so on board with all of this. My husband finds it so much easier to relax and do nothing at home, whereas I really need to be in another space, away from all the potential chores, to feel fully relaxed. Social conditioning, I think, plus some personality differences. A few years ago I started taking solo weekends away which is heavenly. Our budget hasn't allowed for that for the past year and I do really miss it. I'm trying to build more alone time into my schedule though, even if it's just an afternoon, evening, or day doing something (or not much!) by myself outside our home, which my husband and 12-year-old are completely fine with (well the 12-year-old still misses me which I actually don't mind). Glad you had such a nice week. Here's to guilt-free solo time!
Yes! I love being alone and so does my fella. On the other hand, as we have entered our senior years, we’re both quite clear that those times not be too long. In the past, we’ve been apart for times up to three or four months for work. Neither of us like that anymore. I also have decades long friendships that sometimes need to be enriched with vacations away. He not so much. All of this is, naturally, a significant privilege. When money is tight then I won’t spend my vacation money with anyone but him.
Nicely stated, Louisa. A healthy perspective on marriage/cohabitation. After marrying in my late 30s, I found the transition difficult. I was able to take a few vacations solo, but my husband never quite accepted that I needed the time alone although I know he benefited as well. He loved staying at home because he traveled constantly for work. He enjoyed having the house to himself, and when I returned he'd often have started some new artistic project.
A few years ago, a friend inherited a small space in New England that had once been an ice cream shop. She turned it into her studio where she paints, does her fiber art, plays an old out-of-tune piano, and does whatever suits her--a lifetime dream. Not all of us have such luxury, but a room, a favorite hiking path, or retreat space help us cope with life's stresses and provide us with new perspectives.
Wishing you and your family many happy years ahead.
What an absolute dream, your friend's former ice cream shop hideaway. Sounds like the beginning of a novel, tbh.
Hi Luisa. Grüß Gott. I'm an hombre, and do sympathize. Pauses and breaks can refresh, for sure, yet each relation has its unique rhythm. My case, I treasure our adventures together, even though some are nerve-wracking, exhausting. It is good to be out of the house, away, productive, most of the day five days a week. Out early, back late, weekends together has been the best balance.
Hi Louisa,
A pause for due diligence. This note, below, Mr. Anderson, is Kosher?
Danke.
I love time alone! I could read and bake to my hearts content but need bodies to eat my baking.
We've had a couple of rounds of covid go through our house (never to the point where it feels dangerous, thank goodness!), and when I or my husband have gotten it, we've managed to quarantine away from everyone else, and I secretly have loved having days of solo time in my house, making my own choices about meals and snacks and sleeping times and whether the windows were open (always, if I had my way, even though we live in New England) and just thinking my own uninterrupted thoughts. Like you, I love my husband and can't imagine having a better partner, but those times have been delicious.
As introverts, we do have scheduled weekly alone time. We decided years ago that Wednesday and Saturday evenings (as long as nothing else comes up in our social calendar), we go to our corners and do our own thing, whether it's watching guilty pleasures or playing music or going out with friends. We're fairly involved in our communities, so the other five nights involve committee meetings and time with other families in addition to hanging out just the two of us. But knowing that we have a midweek night and a weekend night to recharge is priceless.
We haven't done much solo getaway time, but now that the kids are 9 and 12, it's definitely something we've been moving towards exploring.
my husband and i have our own bedrooms. it's heavenly for both of us. just the right amount of physical, mental and emotional space that we both crave and need in order to come together and really connect, support and love. i highly recommend it.
Yes!
Yes, yes, yes, and stated so well! I’m not an introvert but I feel the same way, as does my spouse. I don’t “count” work time, even though I’ve been a remote worker for 20+ years and am usually alone at home during my work hours. For me, the issue is having enough time alone plus the freedom to choose how I use it.
This is so interesting to think about and to read how different people’s experiences, and personalities, are. I spend a lot of time alone. My husband and I have been together for 33 years and married 27. We have one child, who graduated from college last May and lives at home, but is here only on the weekends because she is currently doing “off site” work during the week and staying in a hotel. When she is back in the office regularly, she will move out. My husband travels a lot for work, and always has. I’m not sure if we’ve yet been physically together in the same place more than we’ve been apart. We have moved a lot, but lived in NYC for 8 years, in a one bedroom apartment. Our daughter had the bedroom bc kid stuff. That was quite challenging. We are all introverts. But it was temporary and now we live in a house with arguably more space than we need, but we all appreciate it and value it so very much. Because he travels so much for work, real vacations with just my husband and me are still very few and far between. I’ve traveled a lot by myself, but almost exclusively for family obligations. I think I am finally on the cusp of this changing.
Luisa, it feels like you have read my mind entirely and expressed it so eloquently. During Covid my husband and I took separate weeks alone in cabins up North (MN) for the first time and it was so refreshing and essential for both of us. I love the feelings of being away (or alone) and of looking forward to being together again (after a few days ☺️). It also helps me better appreciate some of the things I love about my self and about my partner when we’re apart, things that get a little blurry or forgotten in the day-to-day. Thank you for sharing this with us. 💗
I started vacationing alone when my kids were in high school and haven't stopped. I spent a long weekend solo in Dublin recently and will be spending five days solo in Berlin at the end of the month. It satisifies my travel itch and my craving for alone time. I never stay gone more than a week, though, because I am a homebody at heart.
My husband is newly retired. He bought a state park pass and has taken the dog with him to go on solo camping and kayaking trips a few times. I love being at home alone almost as much as I love being alone while traveling.
These responses are so interesting. I don’t actually want more time alone — probably because I’m an extrovert, and I work from home, so it often can be too much — but I would like to be able to make more choices about my time that don’t involve pleasing everyone else. Louisa’s trip to Trieste sounds like a dream to me. I’d love to take a holiday where I could wake up at my leisure, eat what I when and where I want, etc.
Do it! Highly recommend.
I feel this so much. I am constantly craving alone time and end up taking it at the end of the day which is not an ideal time for me, but I take what I can get at the moment.
me too, I end up staying up too late because I crave the silence and alone time. I wish I was the kind who could get up hours early to do this but i’ve never been a morning person like that.
Yup, I think a lot of mothers of young kids are catching up on solo time late at night. I always hoped to do so early in the morning, because I'm an early riser, but then I birthed a child who has awoken before me every day of his life.
Yes, to this! The older I get, the more grateful I am to enjoy my own company so much.
Luisa, you our generosity in sharing your inner life is much appreciated.
Thank you for that and for making it free to read.
It's a recurring gift of little treasures.
Thank you and it is truly, truly a pleasure.
Luisa, this is perfection! I have been feeling this more and more. My fantasy is a small, cozy, minimally furnished apartment in a luxury high rise. Cushy couch, big windows and muted colors. I go there to read and think. Without guilt. Even though previously I've felt guilty even about the fantasy, but I'm going to try to stop that now.
I have always been an introvert and homebody. When I was newly married and then with very young children, I was kind of surprised that I got by with so little alone time. But as the kids have gotten older and some of those early days stressors are gone, I find I do crave solitude (and SILENCE, my god, I love silence) much more than I did.
DO NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT THE FANTASY! And if it's ever a reality, DO NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT THAT EITHER! xox
We took a big family vacation this summer for the first time since the kids were born (5-year-old twins). Truly some of my favorite memories are the times my husband and I gave each other a break from family time! I went to a show and a museum solo (separate days). He did a whiskey tasting and a different show by himself (also on separate days). It allowed us to embrace the family time even more, I think!
Oh this is so on the money.